Hello Blogging World. The subject matter of this blog is very near and dear to my heart! I have been plagued with eating issues since I was about 8 years old. I am now 62, so for 54 years I have been living with ED (aka Eating Disorder). As I discuss what it is like to have an eating disorder, I will refer to the disorder as ED, and talk about it as if “he” is a person. I, of course, realize that the eating disorder is a part of me, but this helps me to personify the disorder. This is also a technique I have learned in the various eating disorder programs I have been in over the years.
ED has been my constant companion throughout my lifetime. “He” was there with me as I was being abused as a child. He was there with me when I graduated high school. He walked down the aisle with me when I got married (4x) and he was in the delivery room when I gave birth to each of my 3 babies. He was even there the first time I held each of my 4 grandchildren. Of course, he was there when I got divorced and was a third wheel in each of my unsuccessful attempts at a healthy relationship/marriage. His voice has always been loud, reminding me that everything was all my fault because I was such a horrid person, ED had the ability to scream over my own thoughts so consistently that my inner self eventually succumbed to ED. Before I knew it, his thoughts became my own. I could no longer differentiate between ED’s opinions and what I actually thought, believed, or wanted in my own mind.
I finally realized that I needed help, but that is when I realized the depth of my situation. When I went into an eating disorder program, the majority of those there were 1/3 to 1/2 of my age. This added to my shame. I mean, I knew I was not the only older woman on the planet who was living with an eating disorder, but why were not more of them in treatment too? I understood that I was not the only one who felt there was a problem yet struggled with the diagnosis of an Eating Disorder “at my age”, and that made seeking treatment so much more difficult. The idea of going into a treatment program and being the “mom” or “grandma” of the group, was so difficult. I have always felt alone on this journey. I felt too old to have an eating disorder and too embarrassed to share that additional shame with anyone.
I, of course, now realize why there were not as many older women or men in eating disorder programs as there were with the younger teens and adults. Back when I was young, eating disorders were not in the forefront of society’s mind. Consequently, there are a slew of us out there; Middle-aged to seniors (like me) who are struggling in silence with the enmeshment of ED. I know am not alone in this. You are not alone in this either. Together we can walk through the reality of being a mature woman or man who also happen to be living with an eating disorder. We CAN conquer anything, including our fearless “friend” ED.
